7 Ways to Build a Godly Blended Family
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It’s not always easy having what is termed a “blended,” step- or nontraditional family, where some of the family members are not related but have “blended in” from other places. For example, these might be families where a divorce or death has occurred, and now there is a stepmother or stepfather present, or stepchildren.
However the situation evolved, the fact remains that a number of obstacles can threaten these families. Perhaps there are hurt feelings — the biological father resents the stepfather, or the stepdaughter thinks the biological daughter gets too much attention.
But there are a number of ways to have a Godly blended family, one that thrives because it is rooted in Christ and actively and intentionally works to use Christian values and principles.
I am a part of a blended family that strives to be, above all, a Christian blended family. I am married to a wonderful man, Matt, who is the stepfather to my two children, and I am the stepmother to his two children. Today they are 13, 14, 15, and 16 years old, and when we first married they were 6, 7, 8, and 9.
I can attest that achieving a Godly blended family is not only possible but has been a genuine blessing to us in many, many ways. And for those of you not part of a blended family, these apply to traditional families, too.
Here are seven ways to have a Godly blended family:
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1. It’s Not about Me
The most important truth I’ve learned is that parenting is not about me. It’s about setting my feelings and issues aside to focus on the kids or on our family as a whole.
We live in a me-first society, and sometimes, we interpret the kids’ behavior as if it is about us: he’s picking on me, she’s being mean, etc. But when we set our feelings aside and look at the situation objectively, instead of taking things personally, it’s a better perspective.
We strive to not be oversensitive when it comes to conflict.
As it says in Philippians 2:3-4, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”
2. One Big Body
We as a family are a unit, a body — not a bunch of flailing individual parts vying for attention, even though it can feel that way some days. But in the Bible, the apostle Paul uses the “body” analogy powerfully when it comes to Christ, reminding us Christ is our head and we make up the different parts of the body. When one part hurts, the others do, too. Together we operate in unison. Our ability to work together makes the whole person soar (1 Corinthians 12:12).
It's the same thing in a family: Christ is the head, and we must intentionally work together so everyone’s gifts are factored in and taken into consideration.
There’s a hierarchy at play: Christ at the top, parents next as the leaders, and then the kids. But everyone is important; everyone matters.
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3. Kindness Wins
Rarely do we ever see stepparents portrayed in a positive light in fairytales or movies (think “the wicked stepmother” from Cinderella). But that’s not real life. A year or so into my new role as stepmom, I began to think about the future — when my step kids grew up, would they remember me as someone who genuinely loved and cared for them? Would they still have a relationship with me if they didn’t “have” to? And likewise, what about my own children? Would they remember me as a stern taskmaster, caring more about good manners and straight As? Or would they remember me as someone who treated them with compassion, kindness, and love?
I try to take Paul’s advice for the early church and clothe myself with humility, gentleness, forgiveness, love, and unity (Colossians 3:12-14). So yes, if one of our daughters does or says something rude, I reprimand her. If one of our sons lashes out in anger, I punish him.
But I do it with compassion, speaking to them, not at them. I focus more on modeling the right behavior than offering nitpicky grievances.
4. Pray
Jesus modeled prayer often throughout his earthly ministry, and my husband and I try to do the same in our family. It’s not just prayer before meals, or before we take a road trip, but also the prayer I say every day: that God would help me to have the strength and patience to be a good wife and mom. When we get my step kids on the weekends, I pray an extra-special prayer that God helps me be the best stepmom possible.
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5. Teamwork
Matt and I try our hardest to be a united team when it comes to parenting. On my own, I can be permissive, and he can veer toward militant, but together, we transform into a strong unit that merges the best of all, keeping an eye always on the Lord for guidance. Even though Matt isn’t my kids’ dad, he’s their parent. And likewise, even though I’m not his kids’ mom, I’m their parent. They need to respect us, and we need to respect each other. If Matt thinks one of the kids needs to lose her electronics as a punishment, I back him up, even if I’m inclined to give her a pass. He backs me up in turn.
We also work with the other parents — my kids’ dad and stepmom, and his kids’ mom — to operate as a unit. If my step kids’ mom doesn’t want them watching certain movies at our house, we comply. We keep each other in the loop and seek input on difficult issues.
When everyone works together in maturity, everyone wins. (Plus, there’s no Mom vs. Dad vs. Stepparent games to navigate.)
6. Sibling Relationships Matter
It’s not just the parent-child relationship that is important. We also focus hard on fostering strong relationships among the siblings. Our four kids are very different from each other. We have a “girly” girl, an anime fan, an outdoorsy football player, and a violist with a passion for math and finance. Some are introverted and some extroverted. Coming up with a family movie to watch isn’t always easy, and aside from a shared love of Disney World, we all have different ideas about what makes an awesome family vacation. Yet our two polar-opposite boys share a room… and an unlikely best friendship, even though they are the oldest and youngest kids in the family. Our two middle kids, the girls, are vastly different but don’t seem to mind as they cuddle up on the couch watching silly animal videos together.
In spite of differences, we love each other – and we strive to like each other, too.
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7. Loosen the Reins
I used to get so sad and stressed out when I had to let my kids go to their other parent’s house for the weekend. I felt like I was losing a part of myself every time they left. I clung to the control I thought I had over them, worried I wouldn’t be able to protect them from life’s unseen dangers if they weren’t within arms’ reach. But the truth is that I’m not in control. Only God is in control. And while I call them “my” kids, they’re not actually mine but God’s, entrusted to me to parent in this earthly life.
And it’s up to me to trust that God, their perfect parent and Creator of All, will take care of everything. I can lay the groundwork, teach them important lessons about safety and kindness, when they are with me, but at some point I need to loosen the reins and let them go out into the world, whether that’s going to kindergarten or sleepaway camp or anywhere else in life.
These are just a few tips, but I hope they help you think about what makes a Christian blended family so we can model Jesus, even in untraditional ways.
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