4 Lessons in Conflict De-Escalation from David’s Encounter with Abigail
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Most likely, we will all find ourselves in situations where emotions rapidly intensify. Maybe we’re parenting a rebellious teenager who easily becomes enraged. Or perhaps we work in the healthcare field and frequently encounter panicked individuals who temporarily lose rational thought. With all the political unrest in our country and the fear this tends to evoke, many of us will also read numerous social media posts that feel abrasive and provoking. How we respond in those scenarios either exacerbates an already heated interaction or speaks calm into the flames.
Thankfully, Scripture provides wisdom that, when applied, increases our capacity to act as peacemakers in the most volatile situations. One passage I’ve found helpful and intriguing records the account of a quick-thinking woman named Abigail. Her response reveals four steps we can take the next time we land in a potentially explosive situation.
When Did David Encounter Abigail?
Scholars believe the event recorded in 1 Samuel 25 likely occurred sometime around 1060 BC. David, who would later rule over Israel, had been anointed the nation’s future king but was under pursuit by the man who presently occupied the throne. David and some 600 others were hiding out in the wilderness of Carmel, located in Judah’s hill country.
Based on some biblical timelines, David had been on the run for over a decade. He’d sought refuge in the land of his enemies, feigned insanity to avoid potential execution, and moved from place to place throughout the Judean wilderness. His prayers during this time reveal the depth of his fear and despair. From a mental health perspective, he was probably well beyond his emotional capacity and therefore more prone to reactivity.
In verses 4-8, we read:
“While David was in the wilderness, he heard that Nabal was shearing sheep. So he sent ten young men and said to them, ‘Go up to Nabal at Carmel and greet him in my name. Say to him: ‘Long life to you! Good health to you and your household! And good health to all that is yours!’ Now I hear that it is sheep-shearing time. When your shepherds were with us, we did not mistreat them, and the whole time they were at Carmel nothing of theirs was missing. Ask your own servants and they will tell you. Therefore be favorable toward my men, since we come at a festive time. Please give your servants and your son David whatever you can find for them.’”
The Cultural Significance
Sheep-shearing was a festive time, a harvest party for shepherds, characterized by extreme generosity. Notice also, David and his supporters formed a “wall” of protection around Nabal’s servants while they drove the cattle into wilderness areas. Regarding this, David Guzik from the Enduring Word wrote, “David protected Nabal’s flock when Philistine raids were common. He performed a worthy, valuable service for Nabal and expected to be compensated.”
Keep in mind, those in the ancient East placed great significance on honor and showing hospitality to strangers. Therefore, Nabal’s response was shocking. He not only insulted David by rejecting his request, but called him an unknown fugitive as well.
The Situation Intensifies
When David learned of this, he told his men to strap on their swords, determined to kill all Nabal’s men. Meanwhile, one of Nabal’s servants hurried to tell Abigail all that had occurred. In verse 17, he said, “Now think it over and see what you can do, because disaster is hanging over our master and his whole household. He is such a wicked man that no one can talk to him.”
You can imagine the panic that must’ve invaded the household. Yet, true to her name, Abigail remained calm and evaluated the crisis rationally. Acting quickly, she loaded a sizeable amount of food and wine on donkeys, told her servants to go on ahead, and stated that she’d follow. She kept all of this from Nabel, probably because, had he known, he only would’ve exacerbated an already dangerous situation.
Abigail’s De-Escalation Techniques
In the passage that follows, Abigail does numerous things to calm David’s temper and initiate a peaceful resolution. First, as already mentioned, she approached him with food his men clearly needed. While she didn’t provide enough to satiate their hunger, most likely due to time, her offering demonstrated her sincerity.
Notice, she also went out to meet him personally, when she could’ve easily left her servants to deal with the situation. Then, upon seeing David, she “quickly got off her donkey and bowed before him with her face to the ground.” This took great courage and demonstrated the humility necessary to appease the warrior’s wounded pride.
Consider also the wisdom revealed in her words in verse 25. She validated David’s emotion and acknowledged the injustice he suffered when she said, “Please pay no attention, my lord, to that wicked man Nabal. He is just like his name — his name means Fool, and folly goes with him. And as for me, your servant, I did not see the men my lord sent.”
Next, she called out his integrity, reminded him of his heart for God, and of the Almighty’s sovereignty, stating:
“As surely as the Lord your God lives and as you live, since the Lord has kept you from bloodshed and from avenging yourself with your own hands, may your enemies and all who are intent on harming my lord be like Nabal. And let this gift, which your servant has brought to my lord, be given to the men who follow you. Please forgive your servant’s presumption. The Lord your God will certainly make a lasting dynasty for my lord, because you fight the Lord’s battles, and no wrongdoing will be found in you as long as you live. Even though someone is pursuing you to take your life, the life of my lord will be bound securely in the bundle of the living by the Lord your God, but the lives of your enemies he will hurl away as from the pocket of a sling. When the Lord has fulfilled for my lord every good thing he promised concerning him and has appointed him ruler over Israel, my lord will not have on his conscience the staggering burden of needless bloodshed or of having avenged himself. And when the Lord your God has brought my lord success, remember your servant” (1 Samuel 25:26-31).
In this, she echoed a sentiment David prayerfully proclaimed numerous times in the Psalms — God was his defender and avenger, and the one who fulfills His purposes for His children (Ps. 138:8). She also affirmed his call and God’s favor upon his life, which helped pull him from reactivity to faith-filled logic.
In short, she brought God into the conversation, but not in a patronizing, lecturing way. Instead, she said, in essence, “God is with you, for you, going before you, and will bless you.”
4 Practical Lessons for Us
1. Think Preemptively
Reading this account, my first reaction leans toward self-condemnation. My still-maturing soul that struggles to remain calm and loving in conflict exclaims, “I can’t respond so rationally in such tense situations!” But as I evaluate the chapter more carefully, I discover some clues I find comforting.
First, while Abigail might’ve had a natural bent towards peace-making, I suspect her behavior revealed years of practice. Although Scripture doesn’t record the length of her marriage, it indicates a far from peaceful and predictable relationship. Remember, her husband was “surly and mean in all his dealings” (v. 3, emphasis added). In the original Hebrew, one could read this as “harsh, severe and evil.” His actions toward David verify this description, as do the servant’s words to Abigail in verse 17. He said, “Now think it over and see what you can do, because disaster is hanging over our master and his whole household. He is such a wicked man that no one can talk to him” (emphasis added).
Reactive people tend to be predictable, perhaps not in how they express their anger, but in the fact that they’re usually irrational when they do. Therefore, I suspect, being a prudent woman, Abigail had likely had numerous opportunities to study her husband, consider past scenarios, and determine how best to act in the future.
This is often something we can do as well. While some encounters come unexpectedly, we tend to experience the same conflicts with certain individuals. For example, we might find ourselves speaking hurtful words whenever our brother-in-law criticizes our parenting or a coworker makes snide comments about us during important meetings. Perhaps our attempts to get our teenagers to school in the morning lead to fighting. We can continue living “caught off guard” or we can prayerfully consider those encounters, asking God to show us why they trigger us emotionally, and how we can act as Spirit-empowered peacemakers.
2. Validation before Information
One of my biggest regrets as a mom is that I spent more time trying to teach or justify my actions than I did listening for and reaching my daughter’s heart. When someone is upset, they need to feel heard and understood. If they don’t, our explanations, however logical, will seem like excuses, judgments against their emotions, or attempts to “fix” them. This will only exacerbate their hurt and frustration.
They want to know that we truly see and empathize with their pain. We can convey this without condoning negative behavior. In fact, we’ll find our efforts to speak truth more effective once whomever we’re communicating with calms down. Gentle and compassionate words help with this. As Scripture states, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1).
Abigail’s actions in 1 Samuel 25 demonstrated the truth of this Proverb and the power of validating people’s emotions. In her statement regarding her husband’s behavior, she let David know he had a reason to feel upset.
3. Affirmation
Early in my marriage, my husband and I responded to conflict in opposite, yet equally harmful, ways. Past experiences had taught him to withdraw in self-protection when he sensed tension. I, on the other hand, wanted to resolve things immediately. He interpreted my impatient desire to address, and sometimes confront, issues as an attack, whereas I viewed his withdrawal as rejection.
Our disagreements changed dramatically when we learned to express our commitment to one another and the marriage in the middle of an argument. Usually, this was as simply as one of stating something like, “I love you and want us to build a close relationship. When you said X, I felt Y.”
As Abigail’s interaction with David reveals, it’s also helpful to affirm the other person. For example, if your teenager responds to their curfew with anger, you could say something like, “I know you’re responsible and make great choices.” Or, if that’s not true, you could say, “I love how much you value your friends. I really want you to have to have fun and feel included. My concern is …”
4. Elevate Perspectives
Another tool my husband and I have found helpful is to pause when we are upset and pray. Doing so reminds us of God’s call to love one another with mutual submission, gentleness and humility while helping us connect to the Holy Spirit.
In Abigail’s conversation with David, she expressed the power, authority, and goodness of God while calling him to live as a loved and well-cared for child of the Almighty. Obviously, she knew of David’s relationship with the Lord. But what about when the person being combative doesn’t care to follow God?
While not everyone strives to honor Christ, all humans live by a moral code. And we all want to feel as if others think we are basically good people. Recognizing these realities, we can highlight whatever value appears to be motivating the person. For example, if they’re upset regarding finances, we can praise them for their frugality, generosity, or attention to detail. If they feel slighted and offended by a decision, we could acknowledge and admire their desire for fairness. With some individuals, this might take prayer and investigative contemplation. The more we evaluate conflict patterns and our tendencies, the more apt we are to resemble our humble, truthful, firm, and loving Savior.
Our world can feel hostile and chaotic, especially in this current political season. It can be challenging to remain calm and rational when verbally attacked. But responding in kind will only intensify the situation and, likely, leave us carrying a load of regret. With God’s help, we can respond differently, decrease the relational tumult we experience, and increase our peace.
What a blessing that God has preserved historical accounts like 1 Samuel 25. Abigail’s example demonstrates the anger-soothing power of learning from past interactions, validating other people’s emotions, affirming them, and elevating their gaze.
Photo credit: ©Getty Images/Ivan Pantic
Jennifer Slattery is a writer and speaker who co-hosts the Faith Over Fear podcast and, along with a team of 6, the Your Daily Bible Verse podcast. She’s addressed women’s groups, Bible studies, and taught at writers conferences across the nation. She’s the author of Building a Family and numerous other titles and maintains a devotional blog at JenniferSlatteryLivesOutLou
She’s passionate about helping people experience Christ’s freedom in all areas of their lives. Visit her online to learn more about her speaking or to book her for your next women’s event, and sign up for her free quarterly newsletter HERE and make sure to connect with her on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, and GodTube.