Does the Bible Actually Say Not to Go to Bed Angry?
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We often delay having difficult conversations. “We can talk about it tomorrow or some other time.” However, tomorrow or another time often never happens. And over time, we continue to put off discussions we need to have.
It’s understandable to try and avoid hard conversations, to put a relationship at risk, to be vulnerable. But without having those difficult discussions, we grow further apart from the ones we love, making reconciliation less likely.
God is about reconciliation and healthy relationships. He sent his Son to die and rise from the dead to restore intimate relationships with us. The Bible expresses it this way: don’t go to bed angry.
Where Does the Bible Say Not to Go to Bed Angry?
The Bible doesn’t directly say “don’t go to bed angry,” but it’s close. Ephesians 4:26 says, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.”
The apostle Paul wrote Ephesians. He formerly persecuted Christians but encountered Jesus on the road to Damascus. Paul began following Christ and became one of the most influential people in the early church. He wrote 13 New Testament letters full of insightful theology and practical wisdom for the churches to live out the faith. Ephesians is one of those letters, which Paul sends to a church he planted while he was imprisoned in Rome.
Ephesians is divided into two main sections. Chapters 1-3 focuses on theology and spiritual blessings in Christ, including a definite declaration of the gospel of grace through faith (Ephesians 2:8-9). With the foundation of spiritual truth, chapters 4-6 detail more practical instructions on living by faith in Christ, including unity, moral behavior, and relationships.
In Ephesians 4, Paul encourages believers to live according to their new identity in Jesus. Paul contrasts the “old self” and the “new self” in Ephesians 4, beginning to give practical examples of how to live born-again lives by the Spirit, reflecting God’s character and nature.
To instruct the church in living the new creation life, Paul addresses anger. Anger itself isn’t the issue, but people can use anger to justify sin against God and others. Paul’s instruction? Be angry but don’t sin. Anger doesn’t need to control people. With the Holy Spirit, we can choose life and righteousness apart from our emotions, so he gives an imperative command to remain holy even when dealing with difficult emotions.
Paul follows this with, “don’t let the sun go down on your anger.” Again, this choice is up to the individual. Christians can stop anger and hurt from festering, dealing with conflicts quickly. Paul follows this with the famous concept to not let the devil gain a foothold in our lives (Ephesians 4:27), clearly revealing how unresolved conflict equals to allowing the Devil to win.
What Other Verses Support Not Going to Bed Angry?
The Bible contains a theme: the importance of relationships and love, including resolving issues quickly. While tomorrow isn’t guaranteed, eternity is. Therefore, Christians should engage in godly love today.
Jesus teaches in Matthew 5:23-24, “So if you are offering your gift at the alter and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” Jesus spoke to Jews here, showing how true religion begins with having peace and reconciliation in relationships. God cares about how we treat others, and unresolved issues hinders our pure connection with the Father. He would rather we seek reconciliation than engage in ritual.
James, the brother of Jesus, writes about the urgency of today. “Come now, you who say, ‘Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit’ — yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes” (James 4:13-14). In this life, this side of heaven, tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. We shouldn’t leave unresolved issues for tomorrow. We may not get the chance to seek peace with those we love.
The author of Hebrews tells Christians to take the opportunity of today to encourage one another, to spread God’s love in a meaningful way. “But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called ‘today,’ that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin” (Hebrews 3:13). When we dismiss these opportunities to speak godly truth and love to each other, lies continue to tempt us and lead us into sin and hardened hearts. Daily encouraging our local church community keeps us on the right path.
James also warns about anger and danger. Giving practical instruction, James 1:19-20 tells us, “Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger, for the anger of a man does not produce the righteousness of God.” We will get angry, and issues will arise. However, we must rest in God’s grace to not react in anger. Why? Because our anger won’t lead to righteousness but sin.
The book of wisdom also warns Christians about their own anger. “A man of wrath stirs up strife, and one given to anger causes much transgression.” (Proverbs 29:22) Wrath is punishment from anger, and uncontrolled anger causes conflict, never reconciliation. Back to Paul in Ephesians, he says we should reject or put away “all bitterness and wrath and anger” (Ephesians 4:31).
Instead, we choose forgiveness, the way of God. “Bear with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgive each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you must also forgive” (Colossians 3:13). God is now the standard, and he gave us his Spirit to help us walk in his ways. If God held onto anger, no one could be saved. He chose forgiveness, so must we. We should extend the same grace to others that God offers to us.
How Has Modern Psychology and Research Supported This Concept?
The Bible speaks this truth: don’t let anger control you or it will lead to sin. This is religious language, but as we see in all areas of life, science and research in psychology and counseling support and affirm what the Bible tells us.
Psychologists recognize how holding onto anger increases stress and anxiety, another part of fear. Studies show how constantly thinking about anger without resolution leads to higher cortisol levels, the stress hormone. High cortisol then leads to more anxiety, depression, and exhaustion. The American Psychological Association reports how chronic anger weakens the immune system, making people sick. Thankfully, God doesn’t give us a spirit of fear but the Spirit of power, love, and a sound mind, if we will choose to receive and walk in it.
Sleep research discourages going to bed angry. A 2017 study in Nature Communications found how sleep enhances and strengthens negative memories like anger, ingraining them into our brain, resulting in more health and emotional issues. The brain processes unresolved emotions during sleep, becoming more feelings of resentment, making reconciliation more difficult the next day.
Anger triggers the fight, flight, or freeze response in our body, the opposite of peace. This biological state makes it difficult to fall asleep. Less sleep leads to more mood swings and decreased brain function. Resolving anger before bed, therefore, helps people relax, sleep better, and operate the next day with a clearer mind.
Psychologists and marriage counselors agree that addressing conflicts as quickly as possible leads to healthier relationships. Emotionally shutting down and leaving anger unresolved are high predictors of divorce, as Dr. John Gottman found at his institute. Healthy couples resolve these conflicts quickly rather than letting resentment fester. Gottman further found anger isn’t destructive, but how people handle it can be. Dealing with conflict (which happens to everyone) in healthy, peaceful ways leads to longer, stronger marriages. This supports Paul’s statement to be angry and not sin.
A popular modern therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), teaches people to challenge angry and distressing thoughts, reframing conflicts with different thoughts before sleeping. They counsel people to do this through journaling, communicating with those we’re in conflict with, and practicing relaxation techniques, which research says would include prayer and worship.
What Can Christians Today Learn from Scripture Saying Not to Go to Bed Angry?
As Christians, we choose between love and anger. We will have bad days and bad things will happen. Anger is a natural emotion, but one we must learn to control if we’re to love others and have healthy relationships with those we care for, especially in marriage. God’s ultimate act of reconciliation (sending his Son to die for our sins) sets the perfect example for how to handle conflict.
Acting from anger actually causes more conflict. It breaks relationships and causes bitterness. However, God calls us to be peacemakers (Matthew 5:9). As one of the beatitudes, being a peacemaker brings blessing for us and others, bringing us into the relationships God designed us for. We can only bring God’s peace when we are at peace. If we’re freaking out in anger, controlled by it, we can’t bring peace to others and restore relationships.
Jesus was asleep on the boat, at peace, while his disciples thought they were all going to die, many of them expert sailors and fishermen. Jesus didn’t join them in fear. The Prince of Peace spoke peace and calmed the storm. With the Holy Spirit within us, we can enter his peace instead of clinging to anger. Then we bring God’s peace to others.
Ephesians doesn’t specifically say, “Don’t go to bed angry,” but the common phrase from the principle (don’t let sun go down) has wisdom and applies to marriage. Paul addresses marriage in Ephesians 5:25. “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Marriage is a sacred institution, given before sin entered the world. The relationship between husband and wife communicates a higher reality, Christ’s sacrificial love for his people. Just as Jesus loves and forgives the Church, husbands must practice the same love and grace. Through this love, people see a tangible expression of God.
The spiritual enemy knows this and uses anger and unresolved issues to divide marriages, lying to us that we’ll have time another day. Satan knows a broken marriage twists the image of Christ and the Church. When we sin or have conflict, we humble ourselves and seek forgiveness and grace through loving communication, all before the day ends.
Christ, as our model, acted first. “But God shows his love for us in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). Whether man or woman, in the Spirit and following Jesus, we have the responsibility to love first. We pursue reconciliation, like our Father, even when we feel wronged. Pride prevents us from seeking grace and restoration. Arrogance tells us to hold on to our anger, that we have a right to it. Perhaps we do, but no more than God did. Eternally less, in fact. Holding on to that “right” to anger and wrath only leads to destruction and plays the Devil’s game.
Let’s walk with our Savior and extend grace to one another, letting go of our pride and anger to have the difficult conversations. Don’t go to bed angry. Discover the peace we already have in God and initiate restoration if possible, while it is today. They may not respond or make the right choice in return, but we can move forward knowing we acted in God’s love.
Peace.
Photo credit: ©Getty Images/fizkes
