How Should Christian Parents Approach Discipline?

Have you ever smelled a rotten egg or milk that had gone bad? There are few worse aromas than foods that have spoiled. Something spoils because it is neglected over time, allowing bacteria to grow. There is a saying that became popular among Christian homes, “Spare the rod, spoil the child.” The phrase is not a Bible verse, but it is based on Proverbs 13:24, “The one who will not use the rod hates his son, but the one who loves him disciplines him diligently.”

These are strong words. The Hebrew for “hates” is Qal. For us, this may seem really harsh and opposite of a culture that in many ways believes in “unparenting.” We can sit back and ignore our role and calling as parents, hoping that we do not hurt our child’s feelings or cause damage that puts them into counseling as adults. However, the truth is we are all accountable to God for how we care for our children, and we are all sinful.

Unfortunately, there will be things that we do that may very well cause our children to need counseling in the future. However, we must not let this scare us into hitting the sidelines. This is the time to do our best and work to invest in the next generation to share the gospel with the future world. We want to continue getting the good news of Jesus out so that we leave a legacy of faith to our kids.

I found it interesting when learning about the process to prevent spoiling. Heat purifies. Boiling water pasteurizes things, removing viruses and bacteria. Think about sterilizing tools. Our faith is refined by fire such as trials, hardships, and spiritual growth (Malachi 3:3, Zechariah 13:9, Isaiah 48:10, Psalm 66:10, Job 23:10). The fire of discipline is developing us in maturity and holiness.

When we approach disciplining as parents, it is important that we come with a heart posture of humility and a mindset of discipling. Yes, you read that correctly, not disciplining, but discipling. We are disciples of Jesus who are called to make disciples. Our children fall under this category. Our greatest goal with them is to share the gospel. We do this with our words and through our actions.

A spoiled child is a product of no boundaries, no discipline, and is taught that the world revolves around them. When there are tough teachable moments in our homes, it reminds us that in the heat and in the fire, our child is becoming more like Christ. The “bacteria” is being removed in their lives and as a result, they are not spoiled. Instead, they are learning about Jesus’ love for them in hopes that one day they will be an aroma of Christ.

“For to God we are the fragrance of Christ among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing” (2 Corinthians 2:15).

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We learn from God Himself that His discipline is a result of His love.

“Do not despise the Lord’s instruction, my son, and do not loathe his discipline; for the Lord disciplines the one he loves, just as a father disciplines the son in whom he delights” (Proverbs 3:11-12).

“Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline, so be zealous and repent” (Revelation 3:19).

Do we discipline out of love? How was our tone with our child? What was our motivation when we gave a spanking? What were our word choices when we realized how they disobeyed?

Our role as parents is not to sit by and let a child rule the home, nor is it to become dictators who lash out at these growing young ones. We have been entrusted with the very hearts of these kids. God has given them to us so that we can love them, pray for them, and lead them to a relationship with Him. This means that even in our discipline, we are modeling the gospel. All have sinned and sin comes with punishment, however, this is why Jesus died for us. There is forgiveness and there is hope.

God Disciplines to Yield Fruit

“For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it” (Hebrews 12:11).

Plants have to be pruned to produce more fruit. Our children undergo regular pruning in order for them to grow in the Lord and in life. It is important that we remember how God, our Father, is also disciplining us. He is providing instruction for each of us. He is leading us as we go through life making mistakes. His goal is not to shame us, but to convict us and move us towards holiness.

As we disciple children, this should be our prayer, to have the Holy Spirit give us the ability to discipline out of a place of love and desire for growth.

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“Be very careful, then, how you live — not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil” (Ephesians 5:15-16).

Boundaries are good. If they were not good, they would not have existed in Eden. Before sin entered the world, boundaries were set into place. We often think boundaries will squelch a child’s fun and freedom, however there are reasons like protection, better enjoyment, and empowering them where they are to explore.

If I hated my son, I would not set up boundaries. I would let him run free in the busy streets, I would allow him to jump off the roof, I would cheer him on as he touched the hot stove. This is why Scripture tells us that the discipline of God is out of love, because it is out of a heart that wants the best.

Love and approval are different. Our culture often believes that to love is to agree and approve, or to even be indifferent about how others choose to live. God’s love however is perfect love and He teaches us that love is truth, challenging, convicting, sacrificial and purposeful. He pursues us and cares for us. We are called to have this kind of love for our children. We are told to lead in love.

Do Not Provoke Your Child to Anger

“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).

Lastly, whatever your game plan is for discipline in your home, make sure that you do not provoke your children to anger. There is a fine line between provoking and instructing. We are not supposed to cause them to stumble. We should set up boundaries for ourselves in discipline. We want to model Jesus with our words and actions. This starts with a heart posture pointed towards God. As He disciplines us, we can learn how to discipline our little ones.

Take some time praying and thanking the Lord for the children that He has entrusted to your care. Ask Him how He would have you discipline and set them up a home that honors God and others. Remember that you are daily sharing the message of the gospel to your children. What you do matters. We will never be perfect parents, only God our Father is the perfect parent. However, we can rest in the work of the Holy Spirit in our lives to walk by His power to love and lead well. 

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