How to Move Forward When You’ve Been Hurt by the Church

If you have been hurt by the church, you are not alone. I know the pain personally. If you’ve spent any time in the church, it is likely that either you or someone you care about has experienced this deeply personal issue. But the real problem is that church hurt often lingers long after the offense is over. How does a person move beyond church hurt into a healthy place in relation to God, the church, and other believers?

I want to share a few ways you can begin your healing journey if this is something that has affected you. I know personally the deep wounds and lasting impact church hurt can have. When I was five years old, my dad, who was also the pastor, left our family and congregation. The shock of his departure left me confused and heartbroken. This event shaped how I see the church and leadership to this day.

The hope I want to share with you today is that you can move beyond your disappointment, hurt feelings, shock, misunderstandings, and pain of whatever has happened to you within the church. Your pain might not look the same as mine, but the healing process must contain a few similar characteristics if you truly want to move forward. Whether it was abandonment, control, abuse, betrayal, lies, or any other sin, God is greater than what happened to you. Let’s unpack a few ways to process healing together.

1. Acknowledge the Pain You Have Experienced

“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world” (John 16:33).

The pain you have experienced in the church is real. Acknowledging it and sharing it with a trusted mentor or counselor is a good step toward healing. The Bible tells us we will face difficult circumstances, and the church is no exception. While we want church to be a haven for everyone, as long as humans are involved, there will be hurt.

One of the first things you can do is express your pain by saying it aloud or writing it in a journal. Simply acknowledge the truth of what occurred.

2. Accept Grief as a Gift

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted” (Matthew 5:4).

Yes, grief. Church hurt means something you expected to go one way went a different way, leaving a wound you did not anticipate. Grief is painful, yet there is hope for healing beyond the current pain.

When my dad left, the grief lingered for years, but God has filled the hole in my heart and given me the comfort I need. He can do the same for you. Church is a place we go expecting to hear from God, worship with others, and be encouraged by God’s Word. When our expectations are not met, we carry the grief of the loss.

Receive and accept the fact that some of the pain you are feeling is grief. The good news is that God offers comfort for those who grieve. He is the great Comforter.

3. Focus on the Truth about God

“Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you.’ So we can confidently say, ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?’” (Hebrews 13:5-6).

Often when dealing with church hurt, we focus solely on the person or people who inflicted the wound. We replay the words, the event, and wonder if things could have been different. But focusing on the person who hurt you will only make you bitter, not better.

If you truly want to heal, shift your focus to God. He will help you heal and guide you through your big feelings.

4. Allow God to Soften Your Heart

“Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life” (Proverbs 4:23).

As you focus on God, allow Him to work in your heart. The key word here is “your.” Often, we want to fix our offender’s actions or get revenge. Our hearts have a way of leading us to stay angry and cling to bitterness. But when we allow God to work in our hearts, bitterness can be replaced with healing and peace. You won’t feel the need to share the wrongs you endured but rather how good God has been to you.

5. Remember the Purpose of the Church

“Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age” (Matthew 28:19-20).

When we experience brokenness, it is easy to view the church as just another flawed institution. But in God’s terms, the church is a group of unified believers called to share the gospel. When we focus on minor issues or personal grievances, we risk losing sight of the church’s true purpose.

A good step toward healing is realigning your expectations and getting back to the basics of the gospel.

6. Seek God’s Comfort

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).

God promises comfort to those who are brokenhearted. While temporary distractions might offer momentary peace, God’s comfort is lasting. Even when it doesn’t make sense, He offers comfort beyond understanding. There may be triggers that bring back pain, but every time they arise, you can turn to God for renewed comfort.

7. Pursue Forgiveness Daily

“Then Peter came up and said to him, ‘Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times’” (Matthew 18:21-22).

Forgiveness does not excuse behavior or condone sin; it frees your heart from anger and resentment. You may need to forgive repeatedly, choosing to release the hurt each time it resurfaces. Trust that God will deal with those who have wronged you, and focus on your own healing instead.

8. Realize There Is No Perfect Church

“If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us” (1 John 1:8).

When you return to a church, you may notice its flaws more vividly. No church is perfect because it is made up of imperfect people. But there are churches committed to biblical teaching and godly leadership. Seek one with an open heart and mind.

9. Join a Local Church and Serve

“Speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ” (Ephesians 4:15).

Healing is not complete until you find a new body of believers and begin to serve. Take small steps, serve occasionally, and allow God to lead you. There is a place for you in the body of Christ.

Church hurt is real, but so is God’s healing power. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. Let today be the start of your healing journey. What step can you take today toward healing? I would love to hear from you! 

Photo credit: Unsplash/NeOnbrand

Micah Maddox is a wife, mama, friend, Bible teacher, and author of a James: Tired, Tested, Torn, and Full of Faith. You can find encouraging resources FREE HERE! Micah is passionate about helping women learn what it truly means to daily walk with Jesus. She is on the Proverbs 31 Ministries First 5 Writing Team and writes for Encouragement From Women. Her main ministry is at home with her husband, Rob, who leads worship at Clear Springs Baptist Church in East Tennessee, and with her five children, some by birth, and some by adoption. Micah's heart for her local church is what fuels her desire to keep writing, teaching, and serving. Micah loves to give a voice to hurting hearts and writes and speaks to the one who needs encouragement. You can connect with her on Instagram or micahmaddox.com.