Honey Lips

Proverbs 5–7

Main Idea: Sexual sin is foolish and deadly.

1. Don’t Fall into Sexual Sin.
   1. Words (5:1-4; 6:24; 7:1-5)
   2. Looks (6:25)
2. Sexual Sin Will Kill You.
   1. Sexual sin will destroy you with temporal consequences (5:9-14; 6:26-35).
   2. Sexual sin will destroy you eternally (5:21-23; 7:10-27).
3. How Do We Fight It?
   1. Horizontally, be satisfied in your spouse (5:15-20).
   2. Vertically, be in a saving relationship with Jesus (7:4).

A few years ago a pastor friend of mine walked away from his wife and children for a woman on his staff. When he was confronted about his sin, his response was, “I know it’s wrong, but I’m going to do it anyway. I know that God will forgive me.” This was obviously devastating to his wife, his children, and his church. It was heartbreaking, but it did not happen overnight. This pastor had developed a problem with porn at the age of twelve. There were times when it was worse than others. There were times that he got caught, repented, sought counseling, and seemed to be freed of it. But something that started out as small as a few looks at a magazine as a pubescent boy ended up destroying his family and ministry.

Sexual sin is so seductive and dangerous because it can start out small and in many cases is seemingly innocent, and then before you know it your life has been ruined. You may think to yourself, “What’s the harm in this relationship? What’s the harm in a little innocent flirting? I’ll never do anything anyway.” You will destroy your life, and you won’t even see it coming.^[10]Sexual sin is appealing; it promises pleasure and happiness and can even deliver it for a little while, but then it kills you. Sexual sin may cause you to walk away from God, or at least redefine “God” as someone who is OK with your sin. Sexual sin may cost you your family, your reputation, and the respect of your children; or it may just warp your ideas of intimacy in marriage and drive a wedge between you and your wife (or your future wife). There are a thousand different ways that sexual sin can destroy you, but make no mistake—it will.

Sexual sin is not something to flirt with or to keep secret and hope it goes away before someone finds out. It’s a killer. Solomon warns us repeatedly about this in Proverbs 5–7.

Don’t Fall into Sexual Sin

Solomon knows this topic well since he repeatedly messed up big time with “forbidden” women (see 1 Kgs 11:3; he had seven hundred wives and three hundred concubines). He warns his son not to fall for the forbidden or immoral woman (i.e., sexual sin). This is a parental responsibility dads and moms have with their children (Prov 6:20). You should have “the talk” with your children; in fact, you should have multiple talks. Solomon speaks continuously to his son throughout this book. Parent, you need to be the expert on sex with your children. Do not abdicate that responsibility to TV, the Internet, or your children’s peers simply because talking about it may be “weird.” And churches also need to be experts on sex instead of avoiding the subject. God talks a lot about it. Sex is a powerful gift from God, and we need to proclaim the beauty of sex in marriage as Solomon does here (and also in the Song of Songs).

He warns his son because the lips of an immoral woman drip honey; her speech is smoother than oil (5:3).^[11]She is a rival to the father (and Wisdom) for the son’s affection. Who will the son listen to? Which speech will he heed? Who will you listen to?

Let’s note an important caveat. This figure of the immoral woman stands for very real sexual sin that the son can commit with a woman. But Solomon is not absolving the son of his part in this, nor is he making a statement about any predatory makeup of women. This is a father talking to his son, so the figure he will warn him about is a woman. If he were talking to his daughter, he would talk about an immoral man. The fact is men do this kind of predatory seduction more than women! This section applies to women too. They just need to reverse the image (Longman, Proverbs, 164–65).

The son is not an innocent bystander in all of this. We will see that a senseless young man flirts with this (Prov 7). He may loathe his decision later, but he is culpable. And not only can you be preyed on by an immoral man or woman, but you also can be the immoral aggressor or predator. The issue cuts both ways with both sexes.

Solomon is warning his son about any sexual activity outside the covenant of marriage. Any sexual activity that is not with your heterosexual spouse is sin and will destroy you, your marriage, or your future marriage. That includes adultery, lust, fantasies, pornography, fooling around, cohabitation, and homosexuality. Solomon warns his son of two specific ways that he can be tempted to fall: words and looks.

Words (5:1-4; 6:24; 7:1-5)

First, he mentions words. He says in verse 3 her lips drip honey. (Lips may imply the desire to kiss her; cf. Song 4:11. Actually, there may even be a triple entendre here; Waltke, Proverbs, Chapters 1–15, 308–9.) She’s a charmer with her words, and yes, men can do this too. Communication is the first way you are drawn into sexual sin (Prov 6:24). Alluring words pull you away from your marriage vows. This is true for men because they are suckers for flattery and for women because they are creatures of the ear. Sexual unfaithfulness starts with communication. The communication may seem innocent enough at first. The woman in the cubicle beside you laughs at your jokes. The old boyfriend on Facebook interacts with you at a level that makes you feel important. Your friend at the gym seems to understand you better than your wife. You think to yourself that a few text messages back and forth, even if they are a little flirty in nature, are not that big a deal. “Well, I would not be doing this if my husband would just listen to me.” “Well, my wife does not admire me like she does.” If this is happening in your life, you should hear the Jaws theme music in the background. Repeatedly emailing, texting, calling, or meeting up with someone of the opposite sex who is not your spouse is a major issue. It is massively stupid! You may think it is harmless, but you are wrong. You are forging an emotional intimacy through communication that can lead to more.

The smooth words may not be the communication of an individual; they may be messages you are being bombarded with in the culture: “Don’t get married too young. Delay marriage as long as you can so that you know you are ready.” This causes unfaithfulness to your future spouse as you fool around right now. “It’s OK to mess around. How else will you know what you like sexually?” “Guys like girls who are more sexually active. If you don’t act somewhat aggressive, he won’t want you.” Wrong! The lies of culture enter your ear and heart: “Infidelity is hotter than monogamy.” “Follow your heart.” “Do what makes you happy.” Maybe the message is in your own head: “My spouse isn’t as romantic with me as she should be, so . . .”

For some women it might be reading romance novels. You read the Twilight novels or Fifty Shades of Grey. These books cause you to emotionally invest in a man who is not your husband. They cause you to be dissatisfied with your husband. “I wish my husband was more sensitive to my needs like the man in this book.” “I wish my husband was romantic like this man in the book.” “I wish my husband listened to my inmost thoughts like the man in this book.” This is also the seduction of pornography whether in picture or print. Porn offers, to men, women who act more like men (i.e., sexually aggressive) and, to women, men who act like more like women (i.e., emotionally sensitive). This causes you to paint a picture in your mind of the ideal spouse. If that picture is not your spouse, you are in danger!

Guys can talk smoothly to girls to get them into bed. They will feed them whatever line they have to in order to get sex: “If you love me, then . . . No one will find out . . . I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone before.” Sexual sin starts with communication—with words.

In Proverbs 7 Solomon gives a story that focuses on this woman’s smooth words. From his house, Solomon watches a naïve young man. He sees him flirting with sexual sin by going close to this woman’s house (7:7-8). So many of us ask those kinds of questions: “Where’s the line? How far is too far? How close can I get without going too far?” Solomon tells his son to keep far from her—flee from this temptation (5:8). But he is in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person, so the wrong thing happens. She flatters him with her words: “You’re the one for me. I’ve gotta have you, big boy” (7:13-18). She inflates his ego perhaps in a way that his wife hasn’t. She even uses religious talk to ease his conscience (7:14). “God won’t be mad; I’ve already offered sacrifices at the temple. We can be forgiven.” She also assures him that no one will find out. “We won’t get caught. No one has to know” (7:19-20). This is a lie. This sin is always found out. Someone knows about it. At my first church a guy came to me to confess that he had cheated on his wife. I told him to come clean with her. He said he needed time. I told him that she was going to find out, and it would be worse if he did not confess. He thought there was no way she could find out since only he and the woman knew. But the woman’s ex-husband found out and called my church member’s wife while their entire family was driving back from vacation. He was busted. This will be found out; and even if it is not in this life, God is watching (5:21). Yet the seductive speech persuades this young man, and he yields to temptation (7:22).

Looks (6:25)

Solomon says that besides words there is a second means that allures you to unfaithfulness, and that is looks. Attraction draws you into sexual sin. Solomon warns his son in Proverbs 6:25, “Don’t lust in your heart for her beauty.” Lust starts in the heart before the act. Jesus also tells us this in Matthew 5. We see things with our eyes, and it draws us away from our spouse. It starts fantasies in the mind. It might be pornography, inappropriate TV shows, or sexually explicit movies. Porn is a brutal killer right now because you can get it on your cell phone, iPad, or computer with little effort. This should be a warning to parents about giving their children unfettered access to the Internet. Really think before you give your children a smart phone.

Porn is deadly not just because it causes fantasies but also because it warps one’s view of marriage and sex. Porn addicts begin to view sex as a completely selfish act that is about my pleasure rather than the pleasure of another. Porn viewing causes you to train yourself to experience stimulation and pleasure outside the covenant of marriage. Then, when you do get married, you bring those fantasies into the marriage. As one author asked, “How would you like it if Hugh Hefner could view your wife’s naked body and look it up and down?” That’s exactly what’s happening when you look at her because you’ve brought your pornographic viewing into the marriage. You treat her as an object (Challies, Sexual Detox).^[12]Men especially are creatures of sight, so be on guard about what you look at. Also, we need to say a word to women and par ents about modesty. Christian sisters can help their brothers out by following the biblical guidelines for modesty. And parents, especially dads who know how men view women: do not let your daughters dress immodestly. You are inviting disaster! You are not loving your precious daughters as you ought.

The slide toward sexual sin starts gradually by what you hear and look at. And it ends in disaster. It may start out with simply fooling around while dating and assuaging your guilt by saying, “Well, at least we aren’t going ‘all the way.’” But you are training yourself to experience and enjoy sexual contact outside the covenant of marriage. What makes you think that once you are in that covenant you will be able to keep your vows, since you were not faithful to your future spouse? Facebook in this context can also be a big killer. People rekindle old flames on Facebook. Ashley and I ( Jon) have each other’s Facebook passwords and can look at each other’s stuff anytime we want. This isn’t because we lack trust; it’s because we have nothing to hide.

Solomon appeals to his son by saying basically, “Listen to me, not her.” He says, “Keep your way far from her” (5:8). Paul says, “Flee sexual immorality!” (1 Cor 6:18). Jesus says to gouge out your eyes (Matt 5:29). Do not flirt with this because it is too dangerous. You do whatever you have to do to fight it. Men, do not ever be alone with a woman who is not your spouse. Put blockers on the computer. Get a reporting app on your phone. Be in an accountability group. Get rid of the computer. Get rid of the tablet. Get rid of the smart phone if that is what it takes! Because . . .

Sexual Sin Will Kill You

Sexual Sin Will Destroy You with Temporal Consequences (5:9-14; 6:26-35)

Solomon warns his son of the temporal consequences of sexual sin. There will be a death, so to speak, right now. You will reap what you’ve sown. Anyone can see these consequences, even non-believers. Solomon is actually talking in 5:9-14 about the forbidden woman’s pimp or her husband taking revenge, but these consequences are generic enough to apply to all of us. They seem very similar to the covenant curses of Deuteronomy 28. When you obey God you will experience blessings that you did not work for, but when you disobey him even what you have worked for will go to another. You will give the best part of you to someone it does not belong to (Prov 5:10). You will waste your time, energy, and resources. Porn is a current example of an incredible waste of time when you could have been producing or providing for your family. Solomon says you will lose your money (in modern cases, alimony and child support). If you fall for this, someone else will kiss your wife and tuck your kids in at night—as Toby Keith sings about in “Who’s That Man?”

You may lose your health (v. 11; perhaps an STD). You will be filled with regret that you did not listen when you had the chance (vv. 12-13). It’s foolish to not listen to a rebuke. Perhaps your wife came to you with concerns about a new relationship you were developing, and you responded to her in anger. “You’re crazy. You don’t know what you’re talking about. Stop making a big deal out of this. There’s nothing there.” You attacked her and made her feel like an idiot for her concern. Do you get defensive when confronted on these things? If so, you are the idiot! This is your wife or your husband protecting you. You were convinced they were overreacting, but now you wish you had listened! You may also experience public disgrace and shame in the assembly (v. 14).

Solomon says in Proverbs 6:20-35 that sexual sin may cost you your life. He speaks practically about the cost of adultery. He says the price for a prostitute is like the cost of bread (v. 26). He is not condoning prostitution. He is just saying that it is less costly because it usually destroys just one family whereas adultery destroys two families. He says adultery is more costly because it may cost you your life (v. 34). I heard the story of a man who went into a Sunday school class to beat up a man who had an affair with his wife. Revenge is a reality!

Sexual sin may just cost your life as you know it. You lose the respect of your children or you lose your family. But it may cost you your physical life if the husband wants revenge. You cannot play with fire without getting burned; likewise, you cannot mess with sexual sin without it wrecking your life (vv. 27-28). This wound of shame, disgrace, and possible death is not worth a few minutes of pleasure. And the biggest problem is that these temporal consequences are not even the worst part. They are just a foretaste of hell because the wages of sexual sin is death (Rom 6:23).

Sexual Sin Will Destroy You Eternally (5:21-23; 7:10-27)

Even if you do not die now, you will die later. This sin seems so appealing and sweet like honey, but in the end it is bitter and deadly (5:3-5). Proverbs 7:22-23 pictures this as an ignorant cow being led along to become a steak for someone’s dinner, an oblivious deer that is shot through the vitals by a hunter, or an unsuspecting bird that gets trapped. These poor, stupid animals were just going about their business and did not know that one second later their life would be over!

Solomon says not to be intoxicated with this sexual sin because the Lord is watching (5:21). If you think no one will find out, you are foolish. God sees all of our sexual sin. We will be held accountable for it on judgment day. It will not go unnoticed. Even if by chance we avoid all of the consequences in this life, we will not avoid judgment. The church has been too focused lately on self-help. So we often merely talk about sexual sin at the level of temporal consequences. Our appeal is to our self-centeredness: “C’mon, you don’t want to get pregnant, do you? You don’t want to get an STD, do you? You don’t want to ruin intimacy for your future marriage, do you? You don’t want to lose your money, do you?” We are so afraid to use the word hell because we don’t want to seem old-fashioned. But we need to use this word because sexual sin will drag us there. Solomon makes this clear throughout Proverbs 5–7. This raises an important question.

How Do We Fight It?

Solomon gives us two ways to fight this sin: vertical and horizontal. Your vertical relationship with the Lord must be right in order for your horizontal relationship with your spouse to be right. These work in concert.

Horizontally, Be Satisfied in Your Spouse (5:15-20)

The antidote to sexual sin is to be sexually active with your wife. True intimacy is found in exclusivity. You become an expert on one person that you are committed to for a lifetime. You might say, “Well, I’m trapped in a loveless marriage right now.” The truth is that if you will remain faithful and exclusive, over time intimacy will develop. That does not mean that you should not seek counsel or that there are not things to work on, but do not give up on God’s picture.

Paul utilizes the same strategy as Solomon. In 1 Corinthians 6 he exhorts the Corinthians to flee sexual immorality, and in 1 Corinthians 7 he says to enjoy sex regularly in marriage. He says it is dangerous to withhold sex from one another. If you are not having sex regularly in marriage, that is a danger sign. It can destroy your marriage. Sexual intimacy binds you together with your spouse in a way you are not bound with anyone else. You must develop this part of your marriage. Meet your spouse’s needs rather than insisting on your needs being met (Phil 2:3-5). Practically: Do not sleep in separate rooms. Do getaways without the children. Be gracious and kind to one another.

Solomon uses graphic imagery when he says, “Drink water from your own cistern” (v. 15; cf. Song 1:2-3; 4:1-7). He says, “Take pleasure in the wife of your youth” (v. 18; you got married young, and you’re still together!). He exhorts his son to be intoxicated with her breasts and her love (5:19). As Tremper Longman said, “The best defense against committing adultery is a strong offense in marriage” (Proverbs, 158). Solomon does not even mention procreation here. Experiencing regular sexual pleasure in marriage will guard against unfaithfulness.

If you’re not married, this counsel in Proverbs can also refer to your future wife. Marry young. Do not delay marriage.

Do not “just say no” in regard to sex when you talk about it with your children. The “no” alone will not work because sex is too powerful. The church has often neglected our duty to talk about this topic that is all over the Bible. God gave sex as a good gift to be enjoyed in marriage. So instead of “just saying no” with your kids, point them to the beauty of marriage and the goodness of sex in marriage. Yes, of course the culture downplays marriage because it is a picture of the gospel (Eph 5). But we need to tell our kids that their desires and urges teach them they are meant to be married.

Vertically, Be in a Saving Relationship with Jesus (7:4)

The immoral woman is the rival to the father. She is the rival to Woman Wisdom. Whom will the son listen to? Whom will he embrace? This immoral woman is a major character in Proverbs. She stands for a literal person with whom the son can be sexually unfaithful. However, later she will be personified as Woman Folly, the rival to Woman Wisdom (Prov 9). If the son embraces this forbidden woman, it will reveal that he has rejected his father, Woman Wisdom, and Yahweh himself. Sexual sin and spiritual sin are tied together throughout the Bible. Adultery is the distortion of the most intimate human relationship, and it is used as a metaphor to speak of the distortion of our relationship to God. Idolatry is spiritual unfaithfulness. That’s the whole point of Proverbs 1–9. If our horizontal relationships are off, it reveals that our vertical relationship with God is off as well. Solomon knows this because the “foreign women” he was intimate with led him into idolatry. Falling for this woman would reveal that the son is not in right relationship with the Lord.

So yes, there is a real adulteress who can tempt the son, but Woman Folly stands behind that adulteress. In the context of the whole Bible, we know that Woman Wisdom points to Jesus, and we will see that Woman Folly stands for Satan. (Longman, How to Read Proverbs, lays out this case.) There is a personal being that stands behind the people or things that would tempt you to sexual sin. Satan wants to destroy you and drag you to hell. One of the ways that he most often attacks is sexual sin. If you are not experiencing regular sex with your spouse, there is room for Satan to tempt you (1 Cor 7:5). He and his minions observe the things that entice you and bring you pleasure, and when the time is right they might just offer them to you in order to ruin you.

The whole point of Proverbs 1–9 is the father trying to get the son to be in a relationship with Wisdom instead of Folly. That’s the question: “Whom will you choose to follow? Whom will you choose to marry?” You cannot walk in wisdom in terms of sexual ethics if you are not in a right relationship with Jesus. Your vertical relationship will affect your horizontal marriage, and vice versa. So Solomon says, marry Wisdom—Jesus. That may seem like strong language, but that is precisely the antidote to sexual sin. He says to call Wisdom “my sister” (7:4). That may seem weird, but that is exactly what Solomon calls his bride (Song 4:9–5:2). You must be in a one-flesh union with Christ. Through believing the gospel you can become a part of Christ’s bride—the church.

Once you are part of Christ’s body, the law of the parents is written on the tablet of your heart (Prov 7:1-3) so that you can obey and live a life of safety in terms of sexual ethics. Those who fall for sexual sin lack the heart necessary to obey God (6:32 literally says in the Hebrew, “The one committing adultery with a woman lacks a heart”). You need to meet Jesus and get a new heart with new desires, so that you can live up to the sexual ethic laid out in Proverbs.

Conclusion

God created his world good and everything worked right, including relationships and sex. But sin broke our relationship with God and with each other, so nothing right now works as it was designed. Instead of intimacy and satisfaction in marriage, there are distrust, barriers, and unfaithfulness. Sex is still a good, God-given gift, but it is not used properly because we are sinners. Fire can be both good and destructive. When it is in a fireplace it can warm a house so you do not freeze in the winter, but when it is outside the fireplace it will destroy the house. Like a fire, sex is very good in the right context (i.e., marriage) but very destructive in the wrong context. Because of our sinful nature, we use sex in destructive ways that God never intended.

Because of human sin, our vertical relationship with the Lord is off; and as a result so are our horizontal relationships like marriage. We need to be brought back into right relationship with God in order for our marriages to work properly. That’s the point of Proverbs. Your relationship with the Lord—fear of Yahweh—is directly connected with your relationship with your spouse. Solomon understands this full well, and that is why in Proverbs 1–9 he constantly talks about two relationships. He talks about our spiritual relationships (Wisdom or Folly; Yahweh or idols), and he speaks of our practical relationships (wife or immoral woman). Each relationship has a direct effect on the other. If your spiritual relationship is off, it can destroy the practical, and vice versa! Solomon’s heart was pulled toward other women, and his heart was pulled toward idols!

Here’s the good news: Jesus Christ—the Wisdom of God—went into Sheol for our sexual sin, and he came back victorious three days later. Through his death and resurrection, we can be reconciled to God. In Christ, there is no condemnation for our sexual sin. And by the power of Christ’s Spirit and our new hearts, we can be transformed to live out God’s plan for our lives, including sexually. That is good news indeed!

Reflect and Discuss

1. Solomon models warning and informing his child about sexual sin. How can you more effectively address sexual issues with your children? With those you disciple? With your church?
2. Why does Solomon use the illustration of a seductive woman? Isn’t that a backward, misogynistic, and overly negative generalization of women?
3. What does Proverbs present as the first means of sexual temptation? How should that affect the way we view seemingly innocent interactions?
4. Sexually explicit and enticing material is ubiquitous and readily available today. What steps can you take to prevent access for yourself and your family?
5. Proverbs shows that there is a personal being, Woman Folly (Satan), who stands behind the people or things that would tempt you to sexual sin. What does that tell us about our temptations? Are they random? Disconnected?
6. What is the resounding biblical precedent for dealing with sexual temptation (see Prov 5:8; Matt 5:29; 1 Cor 6:18)?
7. What are some temporal consequences Solomon lays out for sexual sin? How have you seen these play out in the lives of others? What about your own life?
8. Even if we escape the temporal consequences of sexual sin, what reason does Solomon give for the assurance of eternal consequences (see 5:21)?
9. What’s the first line of defense Solomon gives against sexual sin?
10. The Bible consistently stresses that spiritual sin and sexual sin are tied together. If our horizontal relationships are off (lust, sexual sin, adultery), what does it reveal about our vertical relationship with God?