Is “Train Up a Child” a Promise?

Proverbs 22:6

Main Idea: Not letting your child always have his or her way is a form of evangelism.

1. This Verse Has Produced a Lot of Guilt in Parents.
2. This Verse Is a Warning to Correct Your Children.
3. This Verse Tells Us Our Children’s Greatest Need Is the Good News about Jesus.

A few years ago a young lady very close to our family “came out” as a lesbian. When that happened her parents, who are faithful Christians, questioned their parenting, saying, “Where did WE go wrong?” They felt responsible for her decision as if it were their fault.

Many Christian parents feel a crushing guilt when their children do not “turn out right.” They ask questions like, “What did we do wrong? What else could we have done?” What is more problematic is that the guilt so many Christian parents feel finds its root in the Bible. After all, Proverbs 22:6 states, “Start a youth out on his way; even when he grows old he will not depart from it.”

This Verse Has Produced a Lot of Guilt in Parents

This verse has produced much shame in Christian parents because it seems to promise that if parents will start their children out on the right way when they are young, when they are grown they will continue to live the right way. On the other hand, if you do not raise your children in the right way, they will live the wrong kind of life. The logic seems clear and straightforward from the Scriptures. How your children turn out reveals whether or not you started them out right. Therefore, if you have grown children who are ungodly or did not turn out right, the obvious conclusion is that you did not raise them properly. So added to the heartache of a child not walking with the Lord is the biblical condemnation of your parenting. You blew it. You are the one who messed up.

But is that really what Proverbs 22:6 teaches? Some propose a solution to this apparent dilemma to try to resolve the problem for Christian parents. The solution, they say, is that Proverbs 22:6 is not a promise but rather a general rule of thumb. Longman argues for this solution. He writes,

It sounds like a promise but a proverb does not give a promise. The book of Proverbs advises its hearers in ways that are most likely to lead them to desired consequences if all things are equal. It is much more likely that a child will be a responsible adult if trained in the right path. . . . The point is that this proverb encourages parents to train their children, but does not guarantee if they do so their children will never stray. (Proverbs, 405)

Thus, the argument goes, all things being equal, the usual outcome of life will be that if you raise your children the right way, they will live the right kind of life, but that is not always the case. So can we fix this ­problem—and ease our consciences—by saying it is not a promise?

I find this approach to Proverbs—and any portion of Scripture—extremely problematic. Nowhere else would we say of a biblical passage that it is mostly true but not always true. Some will object—like Dr. Longman, a wonderful Old Testament scholar—that we have to approach each genre of the Bible in its own unique way, and this is the way wisdom literature works. But is this correct? Do we want to say, for example, that if you trust in the Lord will all your heart, do not lean on your own understanding, and in all your ways acknowledge him, then he will usually direct your paths? We believe there is a better way to understand Proverbs. The biblical proverbs are promises that are generally true now, but are always ultimately true in the end (Dever, The Message, 510). You can count on them.

So what are we to make of this specific verse then? Does it mean that if I do right by my children now by taking them to church, reading the Bible to them, and leading them in their prayers, I am guaranteed they will turn out right? Does it mean if my children do not turn out right as adults, somehow it is my fault because I did not train them right? What if it is too late, and I did not start them out right, and now they are grown? While this verse is a promise, we think the accepted understanding of it is based on a bad interpretation that showed up in the translation of it. We need to see that Proverbs 22:6 is actually the reverse side of a promise. Here is what we mean.

This Verse Is a Warning to Correct Your Children

There is a different way to understand Proverbs 22:6 that we have found extremely helpful. Instead of being a promise that if you do right, your children will turn out right, it is a reverse promise—a warning—that if you do not correct your children when they are young, they will run amok wanting their own way as an adult.

Almost every English translation of this verse adds a word to the text that is not in the Hebrew. The English says something along the lines of “train a child in the right way” or the “way he should go.” The word “right” or “should” is not in the Hebrew. Literally the verse should be rendered, “Train a child in his way, and when he is old he will not depart from it” (Murphy and Huwiler, Proverbs, 109). In the Hebrew, there is no descriptor or qualifier on “way,” so English translations add one like “right” or “should.” They do this to aid in the translation by making an interpretation of the verse, but we think it is better to take the text as is. After all, the translation that puts the blame on the parents does not fit with the rest of Proverbs, where a son makes his own wise or foolish choices and is held accountable for them. The young man is responsible for how he interacts with the gang of his peers or whether he receives the advances of the immoral woman (2:1-22) (Waltke, Proverbs, Chapters 15–31, 206).

The question would be then, if we take the literal translation, what does it mean to “Start a youth out on his way”? There are two options (Garrett, Proverbs, 288). First, train a youth according to his nature or bent. Each of your children is different, thus you must become an expert on each one and figure out the best way to communicate and teach each one. This is a perfectly acceptable interpretation, but it is not the one that best fits the flow of Proverbs because Proverbs says our nature is broken. Proverbs teaches that foolishness is in our hearts, and it needs to be corrected (20:9; 22:15). Waltke points out that the other six references to the “youth” in Proverbs characterize his way as foolish (1:4; 7:7; 22:15; 23:13; 29:15) (Proverbs, Chapters 15–31, 205).

The clear warning of the Proverbs—despite the messaging we receive from Disney movies—is that following your own heart or your own “way” is the epitome of foolishness. Doing what is right in your own eyes leads to death (14:12). Proverbs teaches that God gives young people to parents who are supposed to correct this condition. You see, the best interpretation of Proverbs 22:6 is sort of sarcastic: Let a child have his way when he is young, and when he is old, he will continue to insist on having his way (Clifford, Proverbs, 197). In other words, if you start by letting a young person have his own way, he will continue on that dead-end road when he grows up. Thus, this verse is the flip side of a promise; it is a warning that parents must correct their children’s foolish character before it is set. Children left to their own devices will destroy themselves.

Two other verses help us to see why this is the right interpretation in the flow of Proverbs. Proverbs 22:15 says, “Foolishness is bound to the heart of a youth; a rod of discipline will separate it from him.” And 29:15 states, “A rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a youth left to himself is a disgrace to his mother.” Children do not have to be taught to do wrong because it is already in their hearts, but they do need to be corrected and shown what is right. One day my ( Jon’s) young son wanted a toy his sister was playing with, and when she didn’t give it to him, he reached up and yanked her hair. I can assure you that he had never seen any one of us do that before. He had never seen me pull my wife’s hair because I wanted the TV remote. Where did he get that behavior? He got it from his sin nature! All people need discipline and correction to do right, and you harm your children if you do not correct them.

Proverbs 29:15 implies that directing and correcting your children will take different forms over time: spanking (“a rod”) and reproof (not leaving a youth to himself). Spanking can be the only way to get through to a young child sometimes because all the reasoning in the world will not help. An ancient Egyptian proverb said of young boys that they have ears on their backsides (Waltke, Proverbs, Chapters 1–15, 574). A study at Calvin College actually shows that kids spanked between the ages of two and six earned better grades in school and had a sunnier outlook on life (Black, “Spanking Makes Kids Better”). There is no room for physical abuse of children, but the Bible is also clear that a lack of discipline is a way to abuse your children. However, a verbal reprimand almost always works better as children age, and they should be able to heed a verbal rebuke as they grow in maturity.

The main point is clear. Proverbs says that left to themselves, children will choose the wrong and destructive path. Human beings are not innocent, basically good, or wise. The parental task is to intervene before folly is set and our kids walk off toward hell. Leaving your young child to make his or her own decisions without correction from you is foolish. Leaving teens of the opposite sex alone together is foolish. Letting a four-year-old have his way all the time is foolish. We are to heed the warning of Proverbs 22:6—don’t leave your children to their own way or you might watch them march straight into hell!

Proverbs 22:6 moves against the buddy-parent philosophy of so many. If you allow your child to be self-centered now, they will be later (and no one will like them!). You have to say no sometimes. Many times! Do not turn your child into a brat like Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, who always gets her way but is a miserable person. If you let your children have their way without correction, it will be hurtful to them and to you.

You have to discipline. You have to hold them accountable. You cannot say yes all the time. They don’t need to always get their way. I know the world says that repressing things is harmful, but the world’s wisdom is foolish. There is an insightful article in The Atlantic by Lori Gottlieb where a teacher indicted the inability of parents to just say no.

Another teacher I spoke with, a 58-year-old mother of grown children who has been teaching kindergarten for 17 years, told me she feels that parents are increasingly getting in the way of their children’s development. “I see the way their parents treat them,” she said, “and there’s a big adjustment when they get into my class. It’s good for them to realize that they aren’t the center of the world, that sometimes other people’s feelings matter more than theirs at a particular moment—but it only helps if they’re getting the same limit-setting at home. If not, they become impulsive, because they’re not thinking about anybody else.” This same teacher—who asked not to be identified, for fear of losing her job—says she sees many parents who think they’re setting limits, when actually, they’re just being wishy-washy. “A kid will say, ‘Can we get ice cream on the way home?’ And the parent will say, ‘No, it’s not our day. Ice-cream day is Friday.’ Then the child will push and negotiate, and the parent, who probably thinks negotiating is ‘honoring her child’s opinion,’ will say, ‘Fine, we’ll get ice cream today, but don’t ask me tomorrow, because the answer is no!’” The teacher laughed. “Every year, parents come to me and say, ‘Why won’t my child listen to me? Why won’t she take no for an answer?’ And I say, ‘Your child won’t take no for an answer, because the answer is never no!’” (Gottlieb, “How to Land Your Kid in Therapy”)

The main point of Proverbs 22:6 is that the parental task is to intervene and correct your children’s foolishness before it becomes set later in life. If we do not, the results will be disastrous in all kinds of ways. It will lead to selfishness, relational issues, impulse-control problems, an inability to submit to a boss’s authority, and unwillingness to accept the consequences of actions. This verse reminds us of “Twelve Rules for Raising Delinquent Children,” attributed to the Houston Police Department:^[25]

1. Begin with infancy to give the child everything he wants. In this way he will grow to believe the world owes him a living.
2. When he picks up bad words, laugh at him. This will make him think he’s cute. It will also encourage him to pick up “cuter phrases” that will blow off the top of your head later.
3. Never give him any spiritual training. Wait until he is 21, and then let him “decide for himself.”
4. Avoid the use of the word “wrong.” It may develop a guilt complex. This will condition him to believe later, when he is arrested for stealing a car, that society is against him and he is being persecuted.
5. Pick up everything he leaves lying around—books, shoes, clothes. Do everything for him so that he will be experienced in throwing all responsibility on others.
6. Let him read any printed matter he can get his hands on. Be careful that the silverware and drinking glasses are sterilized, but don’t worry about his mind feasting on garbage.
7. Quarrel frequently in the presence of your children. In this way they will not be too shocked when the home is broken up later.
8. Give the child all the spending money he wants. Never let him earn his. Why should he have things as tough as you did?
9. Satisfy his every craving for food, drink, and comfort. See that every sensual desire is gratified. Denial may lead to harmful frustration.
10. Take his part against neighbors, teachers, policemen. They are all prejudiced against your child.
11. When he gets into real trouble, apologize to yourself by saying, “I never could do anything with him!”
12. Prepare yourself for a life of grief. You’ll surely have it.

This Verse Tells Us Our Children’s Greatest Need Is the Good News about Jesus

Proverbs 22:6 ultimately demonstrates that our children’s greatest need is the good news about Jesus. Our role is not simply behavior modification that will turn our children into Pharisees, or into rebels when the bribes for good behavior and threats toward bad behavior go away. No, our goal for our children is life transformation through Jesus. Proverbs is clear that discipline is evangelism: “Don’t withhold discipline from a youth; if you punish him with a rod, he will not die. Punish him with a rod, and you will rescue his life from Sheol” (23:13-14).

Discipline is a rescue mission. We are to step in to rescue our kids from hell and the path that leads there. If we do not correct our children, they will not recognize their sin or that they will be held accountable. Some Christian parents misunderstand grace as calling for a laissez-faire attitude toward discipline, but that is deadly. Loving discipline shows our children that there are consequences and accountability for sinful actions, and it demonstrates that there is a standard of right and wrong—one that they have fallen short of, and thus they need a Savior.

Discipline is not simply meting out punishment; it is an opportunity for a gospel conversation. We want to avoid moralism in favor of gospel-driven discipline where you talk to your child in the discipline moment, confessing that your love for them is unconditional—as is God’s love for them—and you are a sinner in need of God’s grace as much as they are. I try when I discipline my children to identify with them that I know what it is like to be selfish, frustrated, or angry, and that is why I am so thankful for Jesus, who offers forgiveness for my sins. And if you have grown children and think it’s too late to get through to them because of how you royally messed up, perhaps a confession of your sins in parenting, your appeal to them for forgiveness, and your confidence in the mercy of God might go a long way in bringing healing and transformation.

Conclusion

Proverbs 22:6 should not cause guilt in parents as much as it should cause vigilance. We are not to be buddy-buddy with our kids in the way the world says. We are on a rescue mission where we must lovingly correct our children because there is foolishness in their hearts. So let us heed the warning of Proverbs 22:6 and graciously correct our children, so that in glory we can say with our Lord Jesus, “Here I am with the children God gave me” (Heb 2:13).

Reflect and Discuss

1. Why do so many Christians parents feel guilt when their children don’t turn out right? What part of that guilt is well founded? What is unfounded?
2. Are the Proverbs promises? Why or why not?
3. Though this study doesn’t take it as the main interpretation, in what ways do we need to parent each child differently? What should remain the same?
4. How should the “sarcastic” interpretation of Proverbs 22:6 affect our parenting? What does it mean we should do practically?
5. Are we responsible to God for how our children turn out, or are they responsible for their own choices? Explain.
6. What are some unusual or wrong things you have seen your children do that they did not learn from you? What does that say about their nature?
7. How should your discipline of your children change over time?
8. What stands out to you in the Houston Police Department’s list?
9. Discipline can seem like such a negative thing. Why does Proverbs say it is loving and evangelistic?
10. What does it mean to have a gospel conversation with your children when you discipline them?