Speak Up!

Proverbs 27:5-6

Main Idea: Loving confrontation is the right word from the right person in the right way at the right time to the right person.

1. The Right Word
2. From the Right Person
3. In the Right Way
4. At the Right Time
5. To the Right Person

American Idol brought on Ellen DeGeneres to fill the big void left by Simon Cowell’s departure, but Ellen did not stay with the music talent show very long. She said she quit because she realized she was not a good fit and added, “I also realized this season that while I love discovering, supporting and nurturing young talent, it was hard for me to judge and sometimes hurt their feelings” (“Ellen DeGeneres Bows Out”). Have you ever watched Idol, particularly the early rounds? If there is anywhere on the planet that people need to be told the harsh truth, it is on American Idol. People come on the show thinking they should be the next big superstars in America, yet they cannot carry a tune at all. The only reason they are convinced they are good is because the people in their lives have lied to them or pacified them. Their friends and family members have never told them that they need to do something else, instead giving them a false sense of competency with their platitudes like, “You can be anything you want to be!” Because no one has ever told them the hard truth, they do not see reality rightly.

What we observe on Idol, we also see in the culture at large. We now live in a society that values personal freedom over the truth and a culture that values “tolerance,” which means you cannot ever tell someone he is wrong. We live in a culture that says, “Let people live their lives the way they want to live their lives,” or, “It’s not your place to tell them how to live their lives,” or, “You don’t have the right to tell someone that what she believes, thinks, or does is wrong. You worry about yourself, let others live their own lives, and stay out of their business.”

We have created the same culture within the church. We hear things like, “Don’t judge,” “Show grace,” or “Mind your own business.” I ( Jon) heard the story of a time when a pastor’s daughter tweeted crass things on social media. When a church member lovingly brought it up to the pastor, the pastor’s response was, “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.” The Bible commands us to live in loving and accountable community; yet we reject accountability at every turn, even in the church. There is rarely loving confrontation in the church. We rarely speak up when we see a brother or sister moving into foolish sin. We have been so influenced by a culture that says you cannot impose your standard on someone else that we no longer live out the picture of the New Testament. We isolate ourselves from others and do not really invite people into our lives despite the biblical exhortations that say we need each other. There are over thirty “one another” commands in the Bible! They reveal that we cannot live the Christian life in isolation.

We must learn how to speak up because people need to hear the truth spoken in love (Eph 4:15). We need people who will lovingly tell us the truth! If your friend has something stuck in her teeth or tissue paper on her shoe or his fly is open, it is not loving to simply stay quiet out of fear that he or she might be embarrassed. And if someone is on a fool’s path, it is not loving to refuse to confront him simply because the world might say it is harsh. The world is wrong in many cases, and this is one of them!

As followers of Christ, we are commanded to speak up. Despite everyone’s favorite phrase to quote out of context—“Do not judge” (Matt 7:1)—we are also commanded to judge Christians corporately in the church (1 Cor 5:12). Why do we speak up? We speak up because we do not want the people we love to destroy their lives. We speak up and correct our children because we want them to learn how to live life. The most loving thing we can do is tell them the truth before they hurt themselves or others. We speak up because the person in sin may be a false professor who has convinced himself he is a believer when he might not be. If he remains in continual, unrepentant sin, he may not be genuinely saved, and we are commanded to confront him before it’s too late so that we might gain a brother. We speak up and tell the truth in love to lost people when we witness to them.

Church discipline on the big scale rarely works in our day and age. One of the key reasons is that we are not doing continual church discipline on the small scale. Church discipline should be taking place all the time. Jesus said, “If your brother sins against you, go and rebuke him in private. If he listens to you, you have won your brother” (Matt 18:15). These kinds of private conversations should happen all the time. The problem is that we do not have a culture of open confession of sin in the church because we think we will not be seen as “good Christians” if we admit our struggles. And we do not have a culture of accountability and loving confrontation, so by the time it progresses to excommunication, people are rarely willing to listen. If we could create a culture of loving accountability and regular confrontation—giving and receiving it rightly—then maybe we might have a body that walks in holiness. Proverbs repeats this need many times.

Proverbs 27:5-6 says, “Better an open reprimand than concealed love. The wounds of a friend are trustworthy, but the kisses of an enemy are excessive.” We must confront because we love people and want their good. If we do not confront, we do not really love them—we have concealed our love from them. Murphy and Huwiler argue that a rebuke is a “true sign of love” (Proverbs, 133). True friends—true brothers—tell you what you need to hear, while false friends tell you what you want to hear. False friends “kiss” you in a way that makes you think they care, but actually they do not. Do you have a true friend who can get in your face and ask you what in the world you are doing? Are you that kind of friend to others? We need to learn to confront occasionally and rightly for the good of those we love. We need to learn to receive confrontation for our own good.

We all intuitively know there are times we need to speak up. For example, when our friend is in a foolish relationship that is no good for him, we have to say something. When our friend is making dumb decisions with her money that constantly put her in bad situations, we need to speak up. When our brother in Christ is involved in something that jeopardizes his marriage, we have to lovingly confront. Unfortunately, we often bite our tongues and say to ourselves things like, “Oh, I could not possibly say anything.” “Oh, they won’t listen to me anyway.” People make foolish decisions that destroy their reputations, marriages, families, and their eternities. So while it is tough and awkward to speak up, we must do it!

The question we want to examine from Proverbs is, How do I do it? How do I lovingly confront someone I care about? The answer is a math problem of sorts, and most if not everything in the formula needs to be present in confrontation. If most of these things are present, do not let fear keep you from speaking up:

The Right Word

+ From the Right Person

+ In the Right Way

+ At the Right Time

+ To the Right Person

___________________

= Loving Confrontation

The Right Word

The first criterion for speaking up is the right word. Is what you are about to say true? Or better stated, is what you are about to say consistent with the Bible? Proverbs has clearly stated that true wisdom comes from the mouth of God (2:6). Therefore, we do not need to advise people with our opinions; we need to advise them from the Bible. Too many people—when they actually do speak up—speak out of what they think rather than from what God has said. On social media you can see all kinds of confrontation about how to give birth to a child, how to discipline a child, or how to date your wife, and much of it seems very dogmatic—even the advice that is blatantly wrong. If you are going to speak up, you need to be sure that what you are saying is consistent with the Bible, so take the time and do the work to make sure!

From the Right Person

To figure out if you are the right person, you need to be able to positively answer the question, Is this my fight? To figure out if that is the case, ask questions like, Am I the offended party? Am I accountable for the offended party? Am I accountable for the offender? Proverbs puts it this way: “A person who is passing by and meddles in a quarrel that’s not his is like one who grabs a dog by the ears” (26:17). As Longman points out, “It is obviously stupid to pull the ears of a dog.” Therefore, the verse “ridicules those who would get involved in a fight in which they have no part” (Proverbs, 469).

Do not be the “confrontation police.” Some people love to do this kind of thing. They love calling people out, putting them in their place, or getting in their business. Some people think their calling in life is to be an Old Testament prophet. They love telling their friends how they told someone off. They love jumping in and trolling on Facebook or Twitter.

Proverbs says that jumping into someone else’s argument is like slapping a pit bull in the face. It’s not going to go well for you! Do not jump into someone else’s fight. Do not speak up if it is not your place. Some fights need to be had, but they need to be by the right person. On the other hand, do not use this as an excuse not to act if you are the right person. Do not convince yourself, “They will never listen to me.” If it’s not your place, stay out of it, but if it is your place, kindly and directly speak up!

In the Right Way

True forgiveness and kindness must be present before any confrontation. It is easy to confront a wrong done you if you are hurt, but you usually do not go about it in the right way unless you have moved toward forgiveness. Without forgiveness, there will not be conflict resolution—only revenge.

There cannot be the slightest bit of bitterness or a desire to get someone back, or it will blow up in your face. Proverbs 24:29 says, “Don’t say, ‘I’ll do to him what he did to me; I’ll repay the man for what he has done.’” I have seen families in a church meet for conflict resolution, but each party merely wants their case to be heard and to win the day. It has driven families apart and out of the church. Resist a superiority complex where you look down on the person you confront as if you are not a sinner or could never have done what they did. Let go of your grudge before you talk.

If you dwell on what was done, turn it over in your mind often, and talk about it a lot with other people, then you are not going about it in the right way. Stop bringing it up! Proverbs 17:9 warns, “Whoever conceals an offense promotes love, but whoever gossips about it separates friends.” Be willing to let it go. Overcome evil with good, since judgment ultimately belongs to God, not you. Forgive as God in Christ has forgiven you (Eph 4:32)! Longman reminds us that “a person who harps on problems will drive another away, robbing people of the opportunity to develop a relationship,” but love “keeps no record of wrongs” (1 Cor 13:5) (Proverbs, 345).

Only after you have worked through forgiveness can you then confront. Proverbs 10:12 states, “Hatred stirs up conflicts, but love covers all offenses.” If your confrontation is motivated by a desire to get someone back, it will not work. In fact, it will only make it worse. There are some things that you just need to let go. But if your desire is forgiveness and reconciliation, there is hope!

Also, the right way to confront someone is to do it with gentleness and love, or what Paul calls, “speaking the truth in love” (Eph 4:15). Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up wrath.” The temperaments we bring to the confrontation will make all the difference (Garrett, Proverbs, 150). Do you have the self-control to give a reasoned response? (Waltke, Proverbs, Chapters 1–15, 612–13). Gentleness does not imply mealy mouthed or indirect—it can be a tough gentleness! The question is, Are your words motivated by love for her or by a desire to put her in her place? Are you genuinely concerned for the person, and therefore you will confront her kindly? Or do you just want to prove her wrong? If it is truly done gently, the hearer can say in her heart, “I do not want to hear this, but I at least know this person loves me, and it kind of hurt him to have to say this to me.” That kind of attitude can help in persuading someone of his or her need to change. Slamming that person or being sarcastic will not help bring about change. After all, Proverbs 16:21 states, “Anyone with a wise heart is called discerning, and pleasant speech increases learning.”

Finally, speaking up in the right way means speaking directly. Do not beat around the bush. Do not try to use spin. Do not be passive aggressive. Proverbs 24:26 says, “He who gives an honest answer gives a kiss on the lips.” Being honest and straightforward is beneficial to the hearer. That said, let me give you a word of caution. Often those good at directness are bad at gentleness. And those who are good at gentleness can struggle with directness. We need both in our speaking.

At the Right Time

It is crucial that you speak up at the right time. Proverbs 25:11-12 states, “A word spoken at the right time is like gold apples in silver settings. A wise correction to a receptive ear is like a gold ring or an ornament of gold.” You have to speak at the right moment (Murphy and Huwiler, Proverbs, 126).

You may have the truth and say it in a gentle way, but it will not be well received because you do not speak up at the right time. Proverbs does not give us a “how-to” manual to know when is the right time. Knowing the right time requires discernment. Thankfully, God promises that if we lack wisdom, we can ask him and he will give it to us ( Jas 1).

A fool, on the other hand, speaks with no regard to the circumstances. He comes in when his wife looks frazzled and is complaining about how the kids have been a handful all day, and he says, “Honey, we need to have a talk.” Or the fool wants to criticize the church to the pastor right after the pastor gets done preaching his heart out to his people.

Proverbs 15:23 says, “A person takes joy in giving an answer; and a timely word—how good that is!” Goldsworthy notes, “There is great satisfaction in being able to give a wise word at the right time” (Tree of Life, 116). Too many people who actually do speak up have the mentality, “I told them the truth. If they do not receive it, that’s their problem.” No! Proverbs says that it is your problem. Truth that is not delivered at the right time will not be received. Sometimes you need to wait. At other times you need take courage and speak immediately. Ask the Lord to help you with discernment.

To the Right Person

Some people will never respond rightly, nor will they receive what you say no matter how gentle you are or how timely you are. Proverbs describes these folks as “mockers” when it says,

The one who corrects a mocker will bring abuse on himself;

the one who rebukes the wicked will get hurt.

Don’t rebuke a mocker, or he will hate you;

rebuke the wise, and he will love you. (9:7-8)

The mocker will not listen to your correction no matter how you go about it. On the other hand, the wise person will receive correction and will want to grow and change.

This does not mean that people—even wise people—will always immediately receive your confrontation well. Sometimes it will take a while for them to see why what you are saying is good for them. It will require the work of the Holy Spirit. Proverbs 28:23 states, “One who rebukes a person will later find more favor than one who flatters with his tongue.” Yes, you can flatter people and tell them what they want to hear, but that is ultimately unloving and unhelpful. The verse observes that a good reception may not happen immediately, but it will happen ultimately—“later.” Longman writes, “Although it is true that initially people are likely to get a bad reaction from those whose faults they are highlighting, this proverb indicates that favor, gratitude for the advice, will come not immediately but ‘afterward’” (Proverbs, 496).

Unfortunately, we often do not confront because we prefer the short-term comfort to the long-term hard work. That is true with disciplining our children as well. Correction and confrontation may hurt in the short term, but it is better in the long term. You may have to risk a friendship, only to get it back later!

Early in ministry I ( Jon) was discipling a guy who had a particular struggle with pornography. One time when we were hanging out, I confronted him very directly about his struggles and his excuses for them. He got up and walked out on me. It strained our relationship, but thankfully God used that and some other things to get this guy’s attention. Several years later he wrote me a thank-you note on Facebook:

I realize it’s been a while since I talked to you but want again to thank you for something you did for me several years ago. Remember probably in 2000–2001 maybe when you confronted me about some sin and I walked out on you? Thank you so much for being strong in that moment. I am involved in conversations with a person who used to attend our church that has done some pretty bad things and I’ve been able to repeatedly share God’s love with him as well as his imminent danger should he not repent. I honestly believe that had you not gotten into my business then and confronted me, I would be in a different place in life. You have my utmost respect for being strong in the faith and confronting me. My own experience from this tells me that your job can be both fantastically awesome and heartbreaking in the same day. I pray for you.

Change may be slow in coming, but trust the Lord to do good work as you are faithful to speak up.

Finally, we need to be the kind of people who can receive a confrontation and respond well. That is what wise people do. Proverbs 17:10 says, “A rebuke cuts into a perceptive person more than a hundred lashes into a fool.” Do not get mad when confronted. Ask, “What can I learn from this?”

Conclusion

Proverbs 27:5-6 says, “Better an open reprimand than concealed love. The wounds of a friend are trustworthy, but the kisses of an enemy are excessive.” These verses point us to the gospel, not merely because Jesus was kissed by an enemy whom he thought was his friend but also because Jesus was wise enough to know how to confront. Jesus is the Son who grows in wisdom, and he is the Wisdom of God. He lived out these truths, and he can empower us to live them out as well.

Whether or not you can give or receive a confrontation reveals whether or not the gospel is central in your life. If you are too scared to confront or too prideful to receive a confrontation, you have a problem with Jesus. The cross should not merely be a hoop you jump through to get into the Christian life; the cross transforms your life if you really rest in it! If you truly rest in the gospel, you can give a rebuke and receive one without getting mad like people usually do.^[38]

When someone confronts us, they can be right or wrong, they can do it for the right reason or the wrong reason, and they can go about it in the right way or the wrong way. Our typical—sinful—response is to get angry and say things like, “Oh, no I didn’t!” We get angry because in our pride we want to be right all the time. Therefore, in order to be seen as right we lose relationships or surround ourselves with yes men. But Proverbs tells us that confrontation is for our good. And if we truly believe the gospel, we can see how that is true. If I believe in the cross, I am crucified with Christ, and I died back there at Calvary. If I believe in the cross, it means that I agree with God’s judgment of me and admit, “I am a sinner!” So I can say to any rebuke—fair or unfair—that it is just a fraction of my sin. And if I believe in the cross, I also agree with God’s justification of my life—that God sees me now as he sees his beloved Son. I have God’s approval. Since pride starts fights out of a desire to justify myself, God’s verdict can alleviate that. I do not have to justify myself because God has done so in Christ.

Therefore, you can handle and receive any criticism because no one can criticize you more than the cross. God has criticized your shortcomings in the cross far more than anyone else can. You can thank the person for their correction, even if it is wrong, because it reminds you of your true faults that led to the crucifixion of Jesus. You are now free to consider, “Is there anything valid here that I need to listen to?” And you can handle any confrontation without getting crushed or angry because you do not need man’s approval since you have God’s in Christ!

If you can take confrontation well, then you can learn to confront with gracious intent. You do it for the right reason, not to be seen as right or to get others’ approval but because you have God’s approval in Christ. Giving and receiving confrontation in a wise manner comes down to the gospel.

Reflect and Discuss

1. Why is it difficult for us to be critical of others and confront them face-to-face?
2. Why does the Bible not give us the option of isolating ourselves from conflict with other people?
3. How can we create an open culture of confession and accountability in our churches?
4. Why do you need a friend who can get in your face and tell you that you are in the wrong? How can you be that kind of friend to someone else?
5. How can you discern if you are the right person to confront someone else?
6. What are some things that typically motivate us to confront someone else? What should our motivation be?
7. What does it mean to speak up at the right time?
8. How does knowing that change may not be immediate help you?
9. What should your first course of action be when you are confronted?
10. How does the gospel empower us to confront and be confronted?