4 Hard Lessons We Must Learn from Job’s Friends

When someone we care about experiences hardship, we often reach out with heartfelt empathy. Initially, we might even operate well from that sympathetic place. Over time, however, our discomfort with discomfort can trigger within us a strong desire to escape our own unpleasant emotions. This, in turn, can cause us to become dismissive, callus, or judgmental.

Evaluating Job’s friend’s behavior, I wonder if they suffered from compassion fatigue. This occurs when someone else’s trauma leads us to become spiritually and emotionally exhausted. I could understand why Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar might have felt this way. They obviously cared a great deal for Job. After all, they traveled some distance to offer him solace.

Notice their reaction upon arriving. Job 1:12-13 says, “When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was” (NIV).

They expressed intense, unfiltered emotion. Then they sat with him, in silence, for a full week — 168 hours. I’ve never remained present with someone for even half that time, let alone without speaking. But then, perhaps feeling a degree of safety with his friends, Job expressed the depth of his grief. Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar listened for 26 verses, without interrupting or correcting.

By chapter four, however, it appears as if Eliphaz reached his empathetic limit. He spent the next two chapters, 48 verses, sermonizing and chastising Job. I can understand why he might have felt compelled to do this. It hurts to sit with those who are in pain. Our empathy makes us want to do something! If, as was the case with Job, there’s nothing we can do to ease the person’s sorrow, we might try to argue it away.

However, when we enter the situation alert to our shortcomings, we’re more apt to kindly excuse ourselves to regain our emotional capacity. Then, we can return with a renewed ability to remain present. Or, we might recognize that we’re unable to quietly sit with them in their pain. If so, it’s kinder to offer condolences and leave than to speak words that will cause further wounding.

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In Job 4, we see an additional reason for Eliphaz’s prideful statements. He tells of a “secret word” he received in the middle of the night and a “spirit” that “glided past [his] face” (v. 15). This supernatural being told him, in essence, that no mortal, all of whom God charges with error, can be more righteous than God (vs. 17-19).

While this is true, that doesn’t mean the Lord wanted Eliphaz to speak these words to Job. Considering the self-righteousness and pride evident in Eliphaz’s lengthy monologue, it seems more likely God meant this revelation for him. In my experience, the Lord much prefers to speak to His children directly. That doesn’t mean He never calls us to share truth. But may this always come from extensive prayer, self-evaluation, and a humble and cleansed heart.

I’m reminded of Jesus words in Matthew 7:3-5, where He said, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

Notice, He didn’t say ignore your brother’s sawdust. But He did tell us to deal with ourselves first. This helps remove our self-deception and biases and correct our perspective.

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Based on what we read in Job, his friends adhered to what scholars refer to as retribution theology. In short, they believed God punished the sinful through suffering and always showered the righteous with blessings. According to this, a person deserved their afflictions.

Sadly, many today hold the same view, often referred to as the prosperity gospel. This biblical distortion claims that God longs for His children to enjoy a bountiful, pain-and-sickness-free life. Therefore, one only needs to pray with faith to receive total healing from whatever ails them. Often, this perspective stems from building a worldview around a few passages, such as Isaiah 53:5, while ignoring or downplaying other sections of Scripture, such as when Jesus said His followers would experience suffering.

I’m convinced this is one of the reasons God included the book of Job in Scripture. He wanted us to see a “blameless and upright” man endure more trauma than most of us will ten times over. I’m certain He intended for us to gain comfort in Job’s spiritual wrestling, and to recognize how this increased his intimacy with God. And through his friends’ callous responses, He exposes and convicts our inner Pharisees — the parts of us that are quick to pass judgment and slow to show mercy.

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This was something I struggled with as a mom. When my daughter was growing up, I longed to shield her from all pain and to quickly eradicate whatever suffering she did experience. God continually reminded me, however, of the grit He was building into her soul. While He never caused the things that hurt or challenged her, He did use them to transform her into the godly, courageous, compassionate woman she is today.

It was in her darkest seasons that I most needed to trust and believe that God held her close, led her, and had beautiful plans for her. While my role indeed was to nurture and protect her, my greatest task was to point her to Jesus. I am not and never will be her savior. That role belongs to Christ and Him alone, and He’s more than capable of tending to my daughter’s deepest needs — and of caring for all mankind.

Job’s friends seemed to experience something of a role reversal. Instead of encouraging Job to continue to seek and wrestle with God, they rushed in with their “logical” solutions. If only Job would follow their advice and repent of whatever unconfessed sin they felt certain led to his heartache, then God would restore him to health and wealth.

Imagine how different their conversation might have looked had they simply asked Job, “What is God saying to you in this season?” And, “What do you most need from me now?” What if they determined to listen to Job and wait for the gentle whisper of the Holy Spirit.

I recognize this isn’t easy. It’s hard to see those we love hurt. In our “get-fixed-quick” culture, we can easily fall into the same traps as Job’s friends, which only leads to further wounding. Or we can process and deal with our discomfort and compassion fatigue and resist trying to act like the Holy Spirit in someone else’s life. May we also consider where we might have holes or distortions in our theology and remember that our friends and family don’t need us to be their savior because they’ve already got one in Jesus. And may we remember, when someone is hurting, they need our presence more than our solutions.

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